Part V; I’m being Groomed… 

If I think back to that time and ask myself to be honest then I’d say I realised ‘R’ was a bit of a shit from the moment I met him (understatement of the century),even before what he did to me in that flat. I get ‘vibes’ like we all do, his vibe was bad to begin with and I should have listened to my heart and head but I didn’t. As I always say “desperate people do desperate things” so I chose to ignore my gut and my intuition instead going along with it. It wasn’t just purely financial, I must also admit that from the word go I was like putty in his hands, I was there ripe for him to pluck.

It’s a weird thing to say, but I had spent my entire teenage years praying to god I wouldn’t end up a rape victim or even worse, murdered. Your probably all thinking wtaf who the hell even thinks like that?! But I had good reason to. When I was 12, my classmate disappeared in the summer holidays, he’d had his life tragically ended by some horrible bastard who owned the local shop where I’d ridden my bike just like him to spend the 50p pocket money a week on one penny sweets. What made it so much worse was the fact the evil murderous bastard evaded capture for 18 months, still selling his sweets like nothing was even the matter. I can’t imagine what it was like for his parents, the whole community was left stunned but the tragic event was sadly over shadowed by the death of Princess Diana. The day after his disappearance was reported he’d been found naked and strangled in a lay-by 50 miles from the village. I will never forget that summer of 97′ for the rest of my life. From that day I spent my life fearing men I didn’t know, crossing the street if I saw a man coming towards me and having palpitations if I had to go anywhere alone in the dark. I had an irrational fear of men which is why it was so out of my character to have even agreed to meet up with ‘R’ that fateful day. I was often told I was ‘hysterical’ by my parents, granny and aunts, funny thing is though they were the most hysterical people I knew all certifiable nut jobs. I hate being labelled ‘hysterical’ and instead I like to think im just vigilant, I swear to god that being like that has actually saved my life on many occasions. I had that terrifying ‘hysterical’ feeling when I met ‘R’ but as I say, I couldn’t afford to so I’d managed to convince myself that yes I was a drama queen and often hysterical so I needed to calm my crazy thoughts and stop being so bloody dramatic. ‘Not every man is a rapist or murderer’ I would repeat in my head over and over to further convince myself.

Deep down I knew I was being groomed from the moment ‘R’ opened his mouth, he spoke total balls and jabbered away at 100 miles an hour, half of which I didn’t understand due to his very strong accent but also because he was wasted. I soon realised he was a prescription pill junkie as well as an alcoholic who would often drive pissed out of his head up and down the North West’s traffic heavy motorways. Our first conversation had been about all the wonderful things he’d be able to do for me and how if we worked together and had each other’s backs then we’d be rolling in it. I wondered how a man who knew nothing about me or my back ground could be so trusting? There it is! Thats what they do! They trust you from word go so you almost automatically have to trust them and having any kind of ill feelings towards him would mean that surely your the one with the suspicious mind and you need to stop being like this! You know when those piece of shit ‘fuck-boys’ (more on my stance on fuck-boys at a later date) tell you its all in your head and that your the crazy one all the while using subtle tactics to have you believe their BS?! Yeh well ‘R’ was the same except much more dangerous and predatory, he gave me a black berry phone within minutes of meeting him and showed me how to work the phones, he rambled on about how he’d been waiting for a girl with some intelligence to come along who would be able to work with him and not for him. He seduced me in a different way, he made me feel special, like I was the chosen one, the one with class and intellect, not just another working girl. News Flash! I wasn’t special, I wasn’t better than the other girls and never surround yourselves with people who compliment you by putting others down! Thats not fair, thats competition nobody wanted to be in and is downright cruel and nasty not to mention it being one of his vile ways of luring me in and making me feel special. At the time I truly belived he’d picked me for my intelligence and the fact I had some class (yeh right), truth is he could smell my vulnerability a mile off, I wreaked of it, I was there for the taking, no parents around, no family to really intervene and no significant other to get in the way. Perfect prey.

It was about 3 weeks into the ‘job’ I’d picked things up quickly and had settled into my routine and had one hell of a repertoire that seemed to be making me and him lots of cash as well as the girls. Things were seemingly rosy, ‘R’ would call me twice a day, once in the morning before I started shift and again at the end of my shift when I would leave to return to my bedsit which i’d recently been given by a local housing charity. I felt like everything was coming together and putting up with ‘R’ was doable, I mean he hadn’t done anything since that day so this wasn’t so bad was it? Anyway, I’ve digressed like fuck but I can talk for England and as mentioned, Ive never told anyone about the hell we went through so this is verbal diarrhoea and unfortunately you guys are the splash backs. So… 3 weeks roughly into the position, I had my evening call from him and was about to leave when he asked me to stay as he was coming over. ‘R’ had been to cash and carry to buy supplies for the flat; toilet roll, condoms, towels and bin bags. I didn’t think anything of it but something in his voice had changed, I can’t tell you what exactly but his tone had become more sinister. I had been with Serena, Emily, Susie and Ashleigh all day and the bookings for Susie and Ash had been mad busy, the two younger girls were just not into it, I wondered why did they even bother when they clearly didn’t like it and I knew the likes of Emily would be the first to moan when I didn’t send any her way. When guys had been ringing for ‘teens’ Id always offer Serena because of her beauty she looked like she could have been in a vintage classy type playboy spread but she too would turn them down. Luckily Ash was also a genuine teen and so she snapped them up as she was saving for her little boys christening and in Liverpool a christening is BIG, no wait HUGE fucking deal! its all about ‘the baby’. ‘R’ knocked on, It was always me who answered the door and I could see him standing there peeping through with an arm full of Andrex and Durex!

He hurried in and gave me an awkward smile, into the open plan kitchen/lounge he marched like the Big Pimp he thought he was. He called me through and asked me to put the stuff away, I did as he asked and didn’t think about it. Susie was a in a booking in the big room with the ensuite and so the smaller double was free, he whispered to me in the kitchen “Who shall I fuck tonight then?” and he laughed. I laughed too, nervously and also in disgust (I laugh when in pain or frightened too it turns out). He then laughed again exclaiming he liked them young. He fancied the arse off Serena quite literally but with Emily you could tell he just knew he’d get what he wanted more easily though it actually seemed to turn him on when trying or forcing himself on S. ‘R’ took ‘S’s’ hand and asked if she was ok then demanded a kiss on the cheek from all the girls who obliged including me. I felt so uncomfortable and thought what a fucking prick he was but I said nothing. “I need a meeting with you Serena, come” and off he took her into the smaller bedroom. I could have left because Ash was taking the phone for the night but I wasn’t leaving until he’d come out of there with ‘S’, I knew he was taking her in there to fuck her, to force himself on her and just like me saying nothing, she’d also say nothing and do as he wished. You know when they say in books about having a ‘lump in my throat’ ? well I had it, there it was a massive fucking plum stuck there and obstructing my breathing, the thought of her having to fuck him made me sick and I felt sorry for her and yet so helpless because I realised I was frightened. I realised what I had gotten myself into that night and it put the shits up me something chronic, it was a feeling that made me want to have a bloody big drink or even a line like the one Ash had just racked up.

I declined the kind offer of the line and instead just waited in silence for the next 10 minutes until he came out. Out he came alone looking sheepish like he knew I knew, he too said nothing and just like that Id accepted his behaviour.

“Im going now, ill be back tomorrow, see you all then”. ‘R’ followed me down and said “I’ll take you to the station”. I explained that it was only round the corner and that it literally would be a waste of his time but he insisted and so I got in his car; a ford focus but a brand new one of course, hardly the car you imagine a pimp to drive. That was what made him get away with it for so long though, he didn’t flash his cash he looked like the everyday successful accountant but also looked like Mr.boring, Mr.Playitsafe. That hysteria came back to me as I got in wondering if Id make it home at all. The palpitations started and the lump in my throat grew. He started wittering on about the girls and the money, he said he’d been recruiting some beautiful fresh meat and they were going to be real cash cows, the radio was on and so i tried to listen to Jessie J’s ‘All about the Money’ song rather than him. Suddenly the radio switched to something else, it was girls voices and there was lots of giggling. It sounded familiar and I realised it was Susie and Ash chatting away. The look of surprise must have been showing on my pre-botoxed face big time because he laughed and looked at me like he was finding it so fucking funny. “Whats that?” I asked.

“Oh that? thats the girls in the flat right now, I bug all my apartments so I know no one is cheating me or no one is slagging me off”, and he laughed some more.

Suddenly we were outside Liverpool central station and he was saying bye to me. I didn’t hear him I’d gone momentarily deaf which seems to also be another thing I do when I’m frightened. It was then I really knew. From that moment on I feared him and he knew it.

Love Lo xxx

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