Im dying; Part VI

I’m now in a rigid routine of misery where I find myself being scared to ask if I can go home, I know the answer you see meaning the drama isn’t worth it for me, I don’t want to be ‘punished’ I know what that entails. My anxiety levels are through the roof and I find myself on day and night shift because I am told there’s no one better than me on the phones. They are right there, I’ve always had the ability to fake it to people’s faces, come across confident, happy and well-rounded when inside I’m a total fucking wreck. I’ve always had the need to be a people pleaser and it’s to my own detriment, I just can’t say NO. That simple two letter word is my own worst enemy and I want to scream and shout it from the roof tops but I simply can’t. I can’t say no to staying on the phones 24 hours a day, I can’t say no to him when he comes here after work every night to take a terrified girl into the room where he abuses her and I can’t say no to him when he tells me I’m wasted on the phone and should be working too. All I can do to avoid the latter is to be better on the phone so every girl is booked out so much so that I don’t have to do any ‘jobs’. I don’t want to, I’m fuckt up enough and I know that’s going to fuck me up even more and I don’t think I can handle it.

I’d gone on ONE ‘job’ and had been very lucky, these types don’t come around often; in fact, we’d call it a ‘white whale’ because it’s so rare. The well-spoken nice guy who reminded me a lot of Mark from ‘Peep Show’ had paid a grand for the night but I was only getting £650 as ‘R’ took 35%. I didn’t mind because I met him at the Crowne Plaza, Liverpool and I was glad to be away from the hell-hole of flat 16.  ‘Mark’ wined, dined and in no way shape or form did he try to well… if you know Alanis Morisette songs then you’ll get that bit. We went back to his room and he stripped down he then rang for a dominos and let his fat gut hang there wearing grey Y-fronts until he fell asleep. I sat there wide awake all night fully clothed with shoes on the bed feeling uncomfortable yet also relieved that I wasn’t in the Flat. I’d ‘texted’ the girls all night to see how they were going but mainly to make sure they knew I was still alive (by now you should know I’m a paranoid mess). 7am came and I was barely awake, my eyelashes sticking together every time I ‘rested my eyes’ and my heart pounding every time I drifted off and woke up again. Luckily for me he woke up at 7.30am and said he needed to get ready for work, thanked me for a lovely night and handed me an envelope with the fat wad of 20s in it. Yet again I couldn’t believe there was a world where all this happened, I was exhausted and over the moon he hadn’t expected anything other than my company (as I said this was a rarity). My only regret was that I hadn’t begged him to rescue me from my enslavement, I’d been desperate to speak to somebody about how I’d been feeling but was just too scared and when I thought about what I’d even say it sounded stupid and mental.

‘R’ rang me at his usual 8am time whilst driving to his job as an accountant where he was seen as an upstanding member of society (ha if only they knew), he demanded I go back to the flat and get back on phones again. I got back filled with dread and exhausted that crazy tired where you start to feel delusional. When I got back Mandy and Brandy were there, brandy you already know about and Mandy not so much. Mandy was a buxom blonde in her thirties who was brash and intimidating yet tried hard to portray an image of a decent genuine woman who was there to help and listen. Truth was Mandy was just a cow bag who was nosey and wanted to know everything to use it as ammo if she needed to. The look of jealousy on their faces when I returned was horrific and heightened even more because I was exhausted and an anxious mess. I’d only just stepped through the door when the questions began about what he was like and what did I have to do… blah blah, I couldn’t be arsed to deal with them so I had a coffee and ran a bath. I felt disgusting and filthy even though I’d not even removed my shoes the night before let alone my knickers.

I made the fatal error of leaving my handbag in the lounge that morning while I soaked in the bath for what felt like hours yet was about 25 minutes. When I got out that was when I realised she’d got off with my money and she’d never return. Mandy denied all knowledge and joined in with me when I slagged Brandy off for being a scum bag Bitch. Brandy wasn’t answering her phone and let’s face it she wasn’t going to. She’d stolen my money all £650 plus another 100-odd quid; I’d already posted ‘R’s’ cut into the actual post box attached to the wall in the cleaning cupboard where all ‘fees’ were posted until he came over in the evening emptied his money box and his load into some poor girl.

I was raging inside, I was furious, I had plans for that money and I was supposed to be using it to help me get out this god-awful situation. I rang ‘R’ to explain and knew he wouldn’t give a fuck so wondered why Id even bothered, a part of me thought he might have some kindness in him and say to keep my ‘fee’, but no I was being silly doing that thing where I think people are as fair as me. I was so fuckt off and Mandy was loving wallowing in my misfortune, pretending to be nice and supportive yet I knew she didn’t give a fuck. I couldn’t call the police, now could I? So, I had to sit there miserable and even more depressed than I already was. Life was shit and I felt like giving up, but that was never an option, Ive always believed Id make it somehow but at that time I didn’t have a clue how.

Susie came in at 6pm for the night shift, it was Friday night and boy was I glad to see her, she always cheered me up and when she was on night shift I felt safe. The Little pit-bull she was, taking no shit from anyone especially men! Ashleigh showed up and Serena too, we also had a new girl called Priya who was scouse as they come but ‘R’ was passing her off as an asian girl as they sold so well. We were at ‘Full House’ capacity and that was great because weekends meant lots of outcalls too and I hated sending girls on them, but Susie could handle coked up drug dealers whereas the likes of Serena couldn’t. Still reeling and exhausted from weeks of no sleep and constant anxiety I decided to go halves on some ‘lemmo’ with Susie (scouse word for coke), I thought ‘fuck it’ I needed to keep awake as Id nearly been ‘punished’ the week before for falling asleep on shift. Id asked to go to sleep for a bit as I was flagging big time and so I popped a Zopiclone. Serena had been on shift too and so took the phones (thank fuck) but I fell asleep for 6.5 hours and by god when I woke up I felt better until I realised how much trouble I was in. I couldn’t believe I was even asking when I was allowed to take a nap!

The resident dealer turned up and dropped off, we’d ordered in a fair amount knowing we’d be up all night and knowing my nights merged into days and vice versa. ‘R’ had scheduled a photo shoot for the next day and had been banging on about his new ‘Green screen’ so he could do us new pics for the websites, urgh! The thought of him turning up made me sick and luckily he wasn’t coming that night so I was over the moon i didn’t have to deal with him until the next day. Susie racked up the lines and poured me a vodka orange, I’ve never been a big drinker really and can’t handle it at all, but I drank it to be polite. I had two all-night (drinks that is) and I probably had around 1 and a half grams of lemmo. The night was a blur and I was knackered, 12 bookings had gone through by 3am and I was on fire, the girls were happy except Serena who was never happy unless sat with her nose in a book. 3am came and I was so messed up I stood up and remember a feeling like I’ve never felt before, a feeling where I nearly passed out and felt my heart beat out my chest. A party of 4 guys had just turned up and wanted a girl each, except there were only 3 girls available meaning one had to wait in the lounge with me whilst I struggled to function. We got chatting, and he was a nice guy, Priya emerged from the big bedroom 15 mins later with his friend and called the last guy through who decided he then wanted me. The look on Priya’s face was of anger and disappointment, she’d told me earlier she did this job to pay for her 7-year-old daughter and give her a better life yet in the few hours I’d known her she’d hoofed at least 4 grams of the white stuff herself and I realised she was yet another tragedy. Luckily I managed to convince him to go with Priya as Id started getting a horrendous headache and my heart was still skipping beats every now and then.

I looked at myself in the mirror, I’ve never been a skinny girl, in fact id always been a sturdy size 12-14 and at 5ft 8 that was healthy, but I looked gaunt, exhausted and a total mess. My skin was sallow and my cheek and hip bones stuck out so much so that my hip bones hurt when I laid down. I was frightened for my physical health for the first time ever, like properly scared, I’d always been scared of most things but this was a new feeling. I told myself I needed to chill, lay off the coke and go and snuggle on the couch under the blanket to see the early morning through until someone might kindly take the phone from me.

It was midday when I was roused by ‘R’ and I heard his booming annoying sickening voice behind me. Jesus Christ my head was pounding like fuck and I felt terrible, Susie was leaving and looked a bag of shit herself so I hated to think what I looked like. The other girls were all sleeping and Serena was curled in a ball on the leather chair opposite me on the couch. Off he went with her into the room, for fuck sake I thought, I hated him and felt for her more than the others because he ALWAYS chose her. Emily had been AWOL for a few weeks and no doubt would return to face the punisher when she needed money so Serena and Ash were getting it big time. Susie would tell him to fuck off and he wasn’t interested in developed women anyway, he was clearly a lover of the child like physique. Grim. Sure as shit I did look like shit and my headache was worsening, I had sweat pouring off my chest and I was shaking like fuck, I made some toast and downed some codeine I found on the side belonging to ‘R’ no doubt he loved his prescription pills. When he returned from forcing himself on poor Serena I said to him that I felt like shit and needed to go home, I was feeling that rough I didn’t give a fuck. Out came his ‘Drugs are bad for you’ speech before agreeing to let me back to the comfort of my bedsit in Southport.

That train journey of 45 minutes back to Southport from Liverpool central was the longest ever, I don’t remember much other than my head spinning and it feeling like I had some form of head trauma. The headache had worsened, the worst of my life, my temples were caving in and I was sure I was going to be one of those people who dropped dead from a brain haemorrhage; BOOM- gone. I started thinking awful things like well at least it would save me from the hell hole, maybe it was my destiny and that perhaps I was never destined for anything other than this and that just like my dad anything better were just delusions of grandeur. Finally, I was back at my bed-sit, I got a taxi back from the station which was all of two minutes if that, thats how weak I was. Fifteen minutes I’d been back and I couldn’t handle the loneliness, I rang the only friend I had made in the town and asked him what he was doing even though I was dying. 30 minutes later I was at his mate’s house who was lovely too, we all became good friends when I was recovering and still are. Relaxing was something I’d not done in a while so I figured having a joint with these two and chillin was just what I needed, ‘J’ gave me some of his mum’s back pills to ease my headache and I managed to relax until he noticed the sweat pouring off me again. I was soaked and so off I went back to my bed-sit for an early night, I hadn’t been to bed at 8.30pm since 1998 and it was 2011. 3pm the next day I woke up! 3 friggin PM!!! I shit myself, that wasn’t normal! I had 128 missed calls from the work phone and ‘R’, Oh god I’m for it I thought but I felt worse than the day before and something told me I wasn’t being my normal dramatic self.

Ten minutes I was in A and E for before they admitted me, I knew that was a bad sign I mean you always have to wait for hours on end and id expected to but didn’t mind. Id collapsed and the next thing I knew I was in a cubicle being told I was going to a ward immediately because my temp was 40! I finally relaxed as I felt like this was it, I was going to die but its ok because at least it will be from an illness and not at the hands of the psycho ‘R’ or some gun-toting addict desperate for cash (yes that happened and I will discuss that in a later post).  I arrived on the ward and was put in isolation; they had no idea what the fuck was wrong with me but again, I woke up 14 hours later with an IV line in and feeling rough as fuck.

Ward 15A was my home for 4 weeks.

Sorry it took a while,

 

Love Lo xxx

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