It’s been a long time and I’m sorry. It’s January and I don’t know about you but I’ve tried not to feel blue and its just not gone down as I’d hoped. January really sucks and the rain hasn’t stopped. If your like me and not yet a home owner then the looming February rent to pay (which is actually much higher than a mortgage would cost me) is making you feel a bit sick and your praying to god everyone actually pays you on time. So yes ‘Anxious Annie’ has reared her bitch self and taken a hold of me the past two weeks so I’ve been in a rut. I mean I’ve also been super busy working my ass off too so have been zonked out most nights by 10pm. I’m not going to complain though because I am my own boss which is what I always wanted. I’ve had my fair share of arsehole bosses, the worst of them whom my blog is based on so I am eternally happy that I no longer answer to jumped up woman-haters or shit managers.
As some of you read, I wrote a post in support of the ‘Times Up’ movement regarding the treatment we received from the police when we complained about ‘R’, we were effectively dismissed, not taken seriously and there was ‘obvious’ stereotyping. I was told by an ex-copper now turned successful crime author that I should base my blog on the truth – yes those were her words. This really shocked me and it hurt fucking bad that someone not believe me yet AGAIN and that they genuinely thought this blog had been written by some fantasist attention seeking female…YAWN I got upset and let it fuck with my equilibrium (one of my besties always tells me not to let shit fuck with my equilibrium, I should listen to her more). My response was normal, I’d put something out there that is controversial and speaks badly of the police (which I found out after formally complaining about them that not many people like because they don’t want to believe it) but lets be clear now shall we – everything I write here is the truth, sadly it did all happen. I quickly realised that not everyone reading what I write here is going to like it, and that’s ok. C’est la vie that’s life! I am waffling now so I’m going to apologise for my shit lazy ass miserable self with my first world problems and excuses of late and hope you enjoy it! Happy New Year too (its a little late I know but I hope its going well and it will be your best yet, unless your a prick and I don’t like you then in that case I hope you stub your toe REAL bad).
I left you with Lolly. Sweet, dainty, elfin Lolly. She left a lasting impression on me because she was so different; she seemed destined to be a star or a casualty, or maybe both – like Amy Winehouse maybe. Lolly like all the girls needed me to save them and this new rule ‘R’ had made me more determined to get my plan sorted. After we got back from her meet, ‘R’ arrived to the flat for his daily fuck. Fucking bastard I thought, but hey like I was going to say anything. Serena and Susie were there too and he took Lolly off into the bedroom to have his way with her, Serena looked relieved and I felt it too but still some poor girl had to endure what we all had too. 20 minutes later Lolly emerged with a bit more cash in her hand and her tights now not worth wearing, ‘R’ left quickly after and had bought more supplies; condoms, towels and toilet roll. When he left Susie quizzed Lolly on one what he’d done to her, shaking her head with disgusted saying
“My god, your crazy girl, crazy, why you let him do that to you?”
Susie knew the answer but she asked anyway, I think we all asked ourselves or each other at times to deflect the fact we hadn’t yet made a stand against his criminal behaviour. We were all guilty of accepting it in some way shape or form but none of us were strong enough or brave enough to do anything, maybe some of us were used to this we didn’t see it as wrong? I know Susie – the hardened one amongst us must have seen some crazy stuff, she’d told me about the time she worked in Germany in a ‘super-brothel’ where they have rooms with panic buttons in case they have trouble, they also had security guards on each door too. Susie said she’d been with a guy for hours and he’d been on the usual; cocaine and whiskey and turned nasty because he couldn’t get a hard on…. urgh I knew the type we had them all the time on the weekends, the lads who’d been out all night coming in early hours of the morning on the weekend coked up to their eyeballs and a bad case of ‘shrivel-dick’. They’d then get mad at the girl because they are pumped up from the snow but their man-hood wont do shit, and yet its not their fault, no of course not its her fault. Same for Susie in Germany; this guy had turned aggressive and tried to strangle her but luckily she had a panic button and a security guard! What did we have? Jack fucking shit and it bothered me all the time. Anyone could come in and attack us as well as steal our money, rape or even kill us these thoughts were always present in my head but ‘R’ would tell me I was ‘hysterical’ whenever I suggested it. We were so vulnerable in many ways, like sitting ducks and I felt anxious 24/7.
I’d not been very good with messaging Robbie back and to be honest the thought of us being together terrified me. It so true what they say when you’ve been hurt so badly you just expect it will all end up ‘tits-up’ so I’d gotten to the point where I thought why bother? I mean yes, I definitely believed it was love at first sight but I also thought I had a tendency to romanticise things and so didn’t make it a priority. I certainly wasn’t off him but because he had the wife and son to deal with I wasn’t going to the one pressing, no one was going to label me a home-wrecker
My priority was making my plan, the one in which was going to ensure we all got out alive. I’d seen too many girls come and go and it frightened me, sometimes I wondered if they were just smarter than us lot who stuck around and then sometimes my mind raced with all things dark suggesting they met horrible fates or at least would. It sounds mad to say it but everyday felt like I was dicing with the death and I just knew that if I didn’t do something then that impending doom was going to come true. Emily had got in touch with me and I’d managed to text her a few messages, I let it play out politely first asking her if she was ok and what she was doing. We exchanged niceties and then came the message I’d hoped for. She didn’t hold back at all and let me know exactly what she thought of him; she was also surprised that I was still there saying that she thought I had more intellect. It shocked me a bit but I needed it, this all coming from an 18 year old girl; even she who I had thought was really messed up and had questioned at times if she even had a conscience clearly had one even she was bloody shocked at me being there. I told her the truth, I said I was scared and I told her I wanted to get help. She agreed with me and so that she became a little part of my plan. Bloody hell we were beginning what would be a long fight. I asked her if she would email me a short statement (as such) about what he did to her, thankfully she agreed and the next day I received it in my email. By this time I was fully paranoid though, I felt ‘R’ had me bugged just like the flat had been that day when I’d heard it in the car. Paranoia is such a bitch and it weighed down on me so hard, I wondered if he would hack into that email and find it then do something to me but I risked it anyway. Who else to trust though?
Lolly had left and I had messaged her a few times at ‘R’s’ request but then I she’d ignored it many times. Fuck I didn’t blame her! I was also really worried she was still being pimped out though or getting herself into awful situations so I decided to text her from my phone this time. She replied. Thank the lord she was alive!
Me: Can I ring you? I’m not in the flat, on way home just wanted to catch up?
TeenLolly: Sure, I’m free now
We spoke for nearly 30 minutes and she was just like Emily; totally different than what she’d showed me. She was articulate, intelligent and also told me she wasn’t coming back as he was a creep and she didn’t like him. She was now in London already, it was weird as growing up as a teenager you’d hear about these teens who go missing or go off to the city and run away from home but someone like me from little old Norfolk had never known any ’til now. Agreeing with her I let her know that I wasn’t into him either and wanted to get the fuck out. I asked her where she’d come across him and it was always the same thing ‘On the internet’. A predator on the internet promising vulnerable young women a better life then grooming them and trapping them in a flat to be pimped out and earn him money as well as be on tap for whenever he had the urge.
“I’m going to go the police about him ya know?”
“What you gona say?”
“Dunno yet but this has to stop its fucking wrong, I’m scared because he’s getting worse, how old are you really?”
“He made me a fake ID, told me not to tell you, said it would be fine, I just wanted to earn some money to get away but I wasn’t going to sleep with that creep for free”
“I know hun, he’s a sicko, I honestly felt sorry for you and wanted to do something but I just feel so scared”
“I know, I get it. When you going to go to the police?”
“Well like I said, I dunno yet, I need to get people to support me, I can’t do it on my own. They won’t believe me and its deffo power in numbers in this sito”
“Ok well i’ll tell the truth”
“Will you? Your not scared?”
“Nope no way, give them my number”
“Great! Well I got another girl to email me a statement thing so I can take it in the station with me”
“I can’ do that just yet as I have no way of emailing but when I do I will, ok? Stay in touch though and you can give them my number”
“Diamond. Thanks, I got to go, I’ll call you soon”.
Oh my God. Another one. This plan was going to work but the people I really needed on side were Serena and Ash. Susie never really experienced ‘R’ abusing her in the way the others did, as I said – she was too old for that pervert her tits too big, her figure too juicy. ‘R’ liked the ‘ironing boards’ the tiny petite ones thats why he chose the kids. I have no doubt in my mind he’d have gone younger eventually. I reckoned I could trust Serena, we got on fab like a house on fire, she’d tell me about the books she read and cliche as it sounds I’d get lost in the worlds of the tales she told me and it was moments like that that got me through the shit. I’d bonded with her even more after being sent out on an ‘overnighter’ with her to The Atlantic hotel in Liverpool. I still have a picture of us dolled up off to ‘entertain’ and it wasn’t so bad going in pairs. She looks so baby-faced in the pic and has huge fake eyelashes on that make her look like Twiggy. That night was a blast actually, the guys were really nice super drunk and on a stag do, they weren’t getting anything up that night thank fuck. I really hated the fact ‘R’ was forcing me into these situations but then It was £650 cash in hand after he’d taken his £350 fee. Serena and I had these pair of lummox’s ordering us Domino’s pizza and movies from the hotel TV. They had eventually fallen asleep by 3am and so we legged it with the cash as soon as we could. We laughed and laughed like Thelma and Louise – we were very lucky that night.
Ash was a funny one, she always had been. I had sussed out that in Liverpool families often hate each other one minute and the next minute are posting pics all over Facebook gushing about each other like nothing ever happened. I didn’t work like that and that’s why I hadn’t wanted to have anything to do with my dad, I don’t forgive and forget so easily. Ash had always been stand offish with me, it was ok – I got it. She thought I was some posh wanker and who wanted to keep all the jobs for themselves but she’d got that wrong. I didn’t want any of the ‘jobs’ and happily went out to get her more work so she could pay for her baby. Over the months she’d relaxed a bit with me and when she loosened up we’d have a right laugh taking the piss outta people or doing impressions (mainly me doing impressions, I’m quite good ya know). Ash’s dad had recently got out of jail or something like that and had reappeared in her life getting his new girlfriend to work at the flat too. I found this so fuckt up that her own Dad had his girlfriend working in a brothel where his daughter worked? WTF. Oh well it had seemed to be working for them at the time so who was I to judge? They were desperate for cash and they saw what Ash was getting, I guess that’s why many get into crime anyway, the less privileged in society wanting material things that they weren’t going to get unless they did it in unsavoury ways, stories of those who’ve come from nothing are rare and its bloody hard to get ahead when you’ve not been shown how. I felt the same though, I got that bit too, I wanted a nice car, nice bags, good clothes, to appear successful and rich but had no other way of getting there other than doing this either. Ash would be the hardest nut to crack she was likely to go one way or the other, her upbringing meant that she inherently hated the police, she’d only recently gotten her electronic tag off herself and regularly referred to them as ‘scum’ ‘pigs’ and ‘filth’. No way would she back me up even after what ‘R’ repeatedly did to her, she forgave him too just like she did her parents. Its a cycle depending on what day you catch them on its like wondering who your going to get and I had to play it the right way. I thought about it all the time and knew that out of all of us she had probably endured some of the worst abuse from him, but what I did know for sure was she wasn’t recruited in the way the young girls were, they were recruited in a much more sinister manner involving them being drugged and raped in hotel rooms or fancy mansions all over the North West. It didn’t matter though, none of it was ok. I was going to start chatting to Serena about it and ask her views on Ash helping us. I trusted Serena now too.
I’d messaged Robbie back and we’d agreed to meet finally as I’d been putting him off and it wasn’t on purpose it was genuinely for an easier life from ‘R’. Robbie had said that whether I liked it or not he was coming to mine with pizza and a bottle of wine, thankfully I was still allowed home at nights when I wanted to now and since coming out of hospital I had an excuse that I wasn’t afraid to use but I hadn’t managed to get anyone to do the phones, in all honesty I needed the commission from the bookings that would go through and only I could make the money like that. Robbie said he had BIG news for me and it actually filled me with dread. I wanted him to be everything I imagined about true love but I also didn’t want to feel pressurised into something that might end badly but then he’d dumped his wife and family for me? That was some heavy shit and I already had heavy shit to deal with but speaking with Robbie made me more determined to end up out of it and lead a normal life. I was excited for Pizza but also afraid to eat in front of guys too, now I was out of hospital I cared a bit more about what he thought of me and I had that thing most girls do where they’re afraid to eat for fear of being looked at as a fat pig with no self-control….. yup most girls are nodding right now?
Anyways fuck the pizza for now, I had to get in touch with Lolly again so she didn’t forget about what she’d promised and I had to get Ash ALL the jobs and keep her in my good books. Plus the more she was booked out the less chance she had of that creep choosing to fuck her after he’d done a day in the office as the star accountant he was from 9-5.
Love Lo xxx