The end is nigh; Part XIX

New Years 2012

Xmas was lovely, we’d done the countryside walks albeit in now ruined ‘Ugg’ boots, we’d taken the kids to the park to try out their new bikes and eaten turkey sandwiches later in the day that I’ve always loved more than the main meal. I played Sylvanian families, ate delicious food made from the finest ingredients, slept in a bed that had crisp ‘White Company’ linen on and it was bliss. I missed Robbie like mad and felt so guilty when he sent me a picture of his burnt Pizza he’d eaten on Xmas day, he deserved better and he would get the best version of me from now on. The only thing I hadn’t enjoyed about the Xmas day celebrations besides being away from my love was that my cousin’s wife and their whole street congregated in their house Xmas morning which had become their street’s tradition. I felt incredibly uncomfortable with these type of people who not so long ago I’d have seen at dinner parties hosted by my parents; professors, bankers, lawyers and doctors. A few years prior to this I’d have been found charming the M&S pants off them all at dinner parties hosted by mum, making them red with my naughty humour that mum always said was why I could get away with being a tad ‘outrageous’ at times. These people were now so far removed from me that I felt like an alien or the little match-girl. I was of course my usual polite self but I had nothing impressive to say when they asked what I did or was planning on doing. Conversations ended awkwardly and abruptly until Auntie A thankfully showing up with some mini caviar crostini. Saved by the revolting fish eggs! I still don’t understand how caviar is a delicacy and loved by the rich when it stinks so bad and pops in your mouth? Vom.

Cliché as it sounds I had time to reflect on my situation and I was angry at myself, I asked myself why the hell I’d been going back to him and why I hadn’t had him ‘done’ by now. It really is the hardest thing to explain. Auntie A and the cousins waved me off as the bus pulled out ready to take me back to my fiancé, I couldn’t wait to give him a big hug and be in our tiny little flat together sitting up all night watching episodes of ‘Cheaters’ which we both did religiously now whilst laughing our arses off.

Robbie met me at the station in Southport where I arrived at 11.30pm at night on December 29th. I was so pleased to see him he had magical powers that made me feel safe again and he sat for hours listening to me doing the stupid impressions of the posh folk I’d encountered. I ‘google imaged’ Vol au vents for him as he’d never had one and he turned his nose up at the picture saying how rank they looked.

“I’ve got to go back to the shit-hole tomorrow but I promise on New Years day thats me done ok”

“Ok babe I believe you, I’m proud of you, its going to be tough but you know what to do”

“Yeh don’t worry I have all this!” and I proceeded to show him all the evidence I had gathered. He beamed at me

“You’re a right little detective you, aye?”

I smiled back feeling pleased with myself and said

“I guess so, I just hope its enough, do you think it is?”

“Absolutely, if they don’t follow it up then they have lost the plot”

“Just gotta get the next two nights out the way then I’m free”.

The next day as Rob slept I packed my bags to take to the flat for the very last time. I shoved every Ann Summer’s item I could into my case – us girls always borrowed each others clothing and I knew there was going to be a full flat working the NYE. I had stopped doing my make up to go there lately as I wanted to appear as unappealing as possible, my clothes had become baggy and I think subconsciously I was trying to become as invisible and unattractive as possible. I started to comfort eat and since we now lived in a mouse-house with the smallest of fridges and not a great deal of money we had begun to live off Iceland ready meals and various other crap bought in cheap shitty ‘frozen’ stores. My basket often consisted of multi-packs of ‘Skips’ packets of chocolate fingers and some rank ready in 4 mins shite as well as pot-noodles.

The straight line train ride to Liverpool Central seemed much faster than usual, usually it had felt endless but I liked it because it gave me time to mentally prepare for my shit day ahead, this time I was almost willing the train to de-rail so I had a genuine excuse not to go. Christ it was quick; my guts were flipping, my heart was racing, my palms were sweaty just like Eminem rapped and I was bricking it. Paranoia set in that maybe someone would nark on me like one of the younger girls might still be in contact with ‘R’ and maybe this is where I get caught and chopped up. FFS Lo, pull yourself together ya bloody drama queen and in my head I told my anxiety to go fuck itself – I was doing this.

There was a buzz in the air at the flat and we already had our ‘OG-Crew’ there with everyone still on a high from Xmas. This was the first time in a long time that I was pleased to see them in the circumstances; I was having my own leaving party and they didn’t even know except for Serena. Susie looked refreshed; Ash was jubilant when describing the look of her ‘baby’s’ face when he opened all his gifts and Bex’s face once again had some colour. Serena floated around as per with book in hand wearing next to nothing, with that milky skin and red hair she didn’t need to, plus the flat felt like a fucking sauna. Serena’s Xmas hadn’t been as nice as everyone else’s but I was glad she was here; my little mate. We needed more girls that night to cover ‘Outcalls’ as well as ‘Incalls’ and the likes of Serena and Priya who had bought a long a friend to work for the night couldn’t be trusted on outcalls. Serena wouldn’t turn up on time stalling at every opportunity and the problem with Priya was that she wouldn’t come back once she had enough money for her ‘lemmo’. Priya was the ultimate ‘Boomerang’ girl, I thought at one point she’d been bloody murdered after making the mistake of sending her on a 3 hour outcall at £150 an hour meaning she banked a solid £300 from it. Priya had just ‘got off’ and gone back ‘over the water’ probably on a mad one. Priya was an addict and the only real addict I’d met there, one who’s eyes showed so much sadness and pain she had long straggly black hair and cheap pink stick on nails but I imagined she had once been breathtakingly beautiful. She’d had her daughter taken away from her when she was a toddler and lived with her mum whom she had a strained relationship with but only because her loving mother was at her wits end. I felt Priya was more than a coke-head I felt she was a recovering Brown addict who’d chased the dragon hence her appearance and I believed she justified her use of cocaine as it meant she didn’t touch the needle.

Susie, Ash, Bex, Serena, Priya, Priya’s mate who I’d decided to call ‘Lucy’ for the night, Kitty and ‘Leo the twink’. That was a solid amount of people for me to deal with for the night, anymore staff and there would be arguments over jobs and any less then I’d get moaned at for not giving them a break. I could never win but nor could they. Priya and Serena were definitely not going on outcalls so that left Susie, Bex and Kitty; I would have given them to Ash but she did better at the flat, she was after all the ‘Cheryl Cole pretty blonde’ and we needed a staple slim-blonde at all times. Outcalls would usually go one of three ways, we’d have some scatty coke head weirdo living in some shite area like Seaforth living with his Ma who would ring up slurring his words saying depraved shit – I wouldn’t touch them with a barge but for some reason Susie liked them.

“They always pay Lauren and they are too fuckt to fuck”

Fair play Susie. I’d send Bex out with her because Susie was hard as nails, definitely more streetwise than our English girls and Bex, though more naive than the likes of Serena was what I called ‘European rude’ so she came across unfazed by anything. Kitty could also go should the need arise but she was still relatively new so I wasn’t confident sending her out alone. Kitty would be reserved for the type of outcall’s the wealthier clients required to their ‘Jury Inn’s’ or their suites in the Mal Maison on the docks, sometimes it was the Crown Plaza if they were lucky. Actually the worst type of otucallers were the wealthy coked up men being scatty in their plush apartments in the city centre. ‘Ken’ was the worst offender of those types and a friend of ‘R’s’, he was about 6ft 8 and from Senegal his English was poor but he was relatively harmless – just effort. Ken would always call for Susie or Ash and it would always be at a ridiculous time like 4am, I’d been once to help Taylor escape from there as even she couldn’t handle his lust for the white stuff. I remember this huge modern apartment down Kent Street with deep pile carpets and white shiny furniture everywhere – so scouse. I went to the bathroom while I was there and my god it was filthy with blood in the sink, it made me feel sick and I got us the hell out of there quick-smart. Ken didn’t even notice!  Ken used to pay ‘R’ directly into his bank account and girls would get their cash from him the next day. ‘R’ had a lot of those ‘private clients’. Although Ken made my skin crawl I hoped he was going to call so I could send two girls to him just as the night dwindled off.

Ken did call and by the time that came around I thought ‘fuck it’ send Priya and Lucy – Priya wouldn’t do one as she wouldn’t get the money until the next day and Ken would have all the coke the girls could ask for. They’d spent the night sniffing in the lounge between 30 minute jobs with random revellers. It was chokka! I’d kept Serena, Priya and Lucy busy with jobs in the apartment with Kitty and Ash making a desired double-act going out on outcalls to the hotel clients together. They were the most generically beautiful like a pair of fembots. Stunning Serena picky as ever was happy with me giving her the ‘good-looking’ young lads and Priya and Lucy were given whatever was left. Leo had a few calls to some hotels and had struck lucky with an older guy in the ‘Hard Days’ night hotel in the city – I was pleased for him plus now the dude had extended which meant it was one less team member for me to worry about. I felt like those crazy traders on Wall Street constantly on the phone and screaming out orders. It had been non-stop since I’d arrived at the flat the day before ,it was crazy busy and strategically I’d made the girls take it easy the night before in order to save their energy for the big one.

“Do you know how exhausting it is physically and mentally having to fuck men all day and night Lauren?”

“You know what I do know? How fucking exhausting it is staying awake so these men can fuck all night and dealing with HIM”  I barked back and she didn’t mention it again. I hated being mean but sometimes I felt these girls through no fault of their own didn’t see the constant shit I got off ‘R’. I loved Serena like a little sister so it was fine and I wanted to protect her hence why I’d give her the guys she fancied – I justified it in my head then to myself many times too that it was then no different to a one night stand with a proper fit lad.

By the time Ken had called the phones were ringing off the hook, there were no taxis available so I wasn’t sending girls out anymore because it was dangerous to expect them to walk to jobs like ‘R’ had suggested. He went mad at me over BBM telling me to get the girls out and that I should chaperone them to the outcalls in the city? Was he fucking mental? Clearly. I was exhausted and had been offered lines all night whilst staunchly refusing but by now my willpower was waning and being so knackered I just thought ‘fuck it’ I’ll have just one….

Just one. It really was just one but I only needed one line to remind myself why I hated it so much, just one line of white anxiety-inducing, nose-blocking shit. Just as the rush hit me and the drip back started so did the self-loathing and disappointment. I tortured myself for the final 3 hours I was there telling myself what a disgrace I was and what a weak piece of shit I was. No way could I tell Robbie, I needed to get the hell out the flat. Considering how busy we had been it had gone off brilliantly and there hadn’t been a single hiccup. Even Priya had stayed, she’d blown most of her money ordering in her narcotics but she’d stayed and she was still at Ken’s when I’d left. I left by 7.30am and got the first train home from Liverpool Central to Southport on New Years day 2012. I’m no good at  good byes, I never have been and I prefer to pretend the goodbye is even temporary even when I know its not – just like I had done with my mum. The fact I was also going to be off to the police station the next day also meant I needed to act stealthily and not make a fuss around the girls. Serena gave me a knowing look and big hug and I hugged Ash and Susie too, I realised these girls were my friends and I cared deeply for them.

I was finally home in our little flat on New Years day, I was so excited for my future with Robbie but terrified of what was to come. The excitement outweighed the dread and I knew what I was about to do the next day was the right thing. I curled up on the couch watched kids movies all day and snuggled in with a big mug of tea and tins of chocolate. The simple life was what it was all about , I was done with all the drama – just one more day to go.

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Girls girl, Womans woman, Animal lover, obsessed with dogs and textiles of all kinds!

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