Sorry its been a while, Ive been dealing with grief – or trying to. The inevitable hit me hard like a tonne of shit-covered bricks and I wailed like I’ve never wailed before. The physical gut-wrenching pain that feels as though you will never be the same again needs to be spoken about more, we need to talk more about grief ‘period’ (as the Americans say). All I can say is a big fat ‘Thank you’ to my wonderful hubby Robbie (yes the Robbie in my blog is now my husband) he has been wonderful, kind, loving and held me when I cried so much I shook and felt it would never end. I don’ think it does end actually, I just think we learn to control ourselves a little better, but right now I’m not quite there. I hear a song – I cry, I smell her perfume – I cry, I see photos and I cry, basically I am a crying, quivering fucking wreck but I’m ok with it. Picking up her ashes from Heathrow Airport was pretty emotional too, it had been a long time since we’d been together and I felt it was right. It just felt like it was the last thing I could do for her – Literally. I cried the entire way to Heathrow, I wore my big huge sunglasses on the dark carriages of the tube as the salty little shits crept out my eyes without warning. Sometimes I know when I’m about to cry, but grief means that one minute your ok and the next your face is bright red and someone asks if your ‘ok’ which we all know makes the situation worse though they only mean well. To the cute new mum in Terminal 3 that day when I collected the most precious person I’ve ever met from an airport I want to thank you, thank you for hugging me while I cried standing there all alone in the terminal, thank you for your kind words and letting me peek at your beautiful bundle of joy who was just perfect. There we were standing in arrivals, both of us with homemade signs – you just looked so cute unpacking the large A3 size poster sign you had made that you then stuck on your pram that read ‘Welcome home Daddy’ whilst your beautiful new born baby girl lay asleep totally unaware just how impactful she really was. It is true what they say ‘Where there is death there is life’ and as a very sceptical suspicious person who doesn’t tend to believe in ‘airy fairy bollocks’ I just know you were meant to be there that day. You being there signified life whilst I waited patiently with my pink card that read ‘Mum – Marion Talbot XXX’.
You see I’d told my sister (Annabel) that I’d make a sign so the lady bringing mum through would know it was me, I said I’d make it in pink because mum and Annabel always mocked me for being a bit tacky and aged 15 declaring I would call my children after the members of Destiny’s Child to which they pissed themselves at me. I guess it was my own fault for making a sign that suggested I was waiting for my living mum when in fact I was waiting for her ashes. People looked and smiled as I stood by the bit in ‘T3’ where that famous scene in ‘Love Actually’ was filmed, they smiled thinking how sweet I was being not knowing why I was really there, they smiled at me and the cute lady side-by-side waiting for the most important people in our lives. I was shaking like a nervous school girl as I waited for the family friend-of-a-friend who happened to be coming from New Zealand to England and kindly offered to bring mum back to the motherland. I was terrified I’d missed her and mum would get lost somewhere in Heathrow never to be found, cute lady was also terrified she’d missed her partner too who had been delayed making his way back from his business trip which was the first one he’d been on since their daughter was born. We kept waiting and stood there together for what felt like hours yet was probably more like 45 minutes, I turned and said
“Your sign is lovely, its proper made my day” I wasn’t lying – it really did make my day
she said “Thank you, yours is nice too, how long since you last saw your mum?”
Of course she was being kind and nice and not knowing what I was going through, the tears once again streamed down my cheeks and my foundation ran just like it did when I was in High School. She hugged me immediately momentarily letting go of her pram’s handle she clutched so protectively. She transferred her motherly love and compassion to me for those 30 seconds and smiled at me as she pulled away saying
“I know what your going through, Its ok to cry”
Her partner came through before mum did and I watched his face literally light up as he embraced her with nothing but pure love, I swear he’d have hugged the pram and picked it up too if he could.
The friend of the friend shortly followed and cute lady, baby and partner had just left after giving me another reassuring hug before leaving. The lady bringing mum saw my pink sign and smiled at me kindly then giving me another hug I was being showered with hugs and for a non-huggy type of person I was loving the physical human interaction. Friend of a friend said it was a pleasure to bring such precious cargo through and typical of me I said
“I do hope she behaved and didn’t talk the hind legs off a donkey like she normally does”
I laughed through my tears snorting ever so slightly knowing mum would be sniggering too.
That day went surprisingly well considering it was me and anyone who knows me knows I’m scatty, often late, often running somewhere with tickets in my hand and my handbag open making the super organised types very uncomfortable at the sight of me. Thats just how I roll and thats me, I’ve just come to accept it but for that day picking up my mum I’d made it in good time,collected her and bought her home to be with me so we could finally spend some time together after years apart. It felt good, it was ‘good grief’, it was such an emotional experience I cannot find the words. Since that day 4 weeks ago I have felt a genuine change in how I think, how I want to live my life and how not to take things for granted. Its possibly the most cliché and expected thing to say but material things, social media and moaning about first world problems just seem gross when considering the grand scheme of things. I know many people say it but my mum truly was one of the kindest most decent people ever to have graced this planet – the world was genuinely a better place when she was alive. The good always go too young, she put up with a hell of a lot but, in fact she went through hell for many years but she was awesome, her heart bigger than a Lionesses, her strength unfathomable and she will never be forgotten.
My next blog post will be up this week following on from part 13. I want to do this, I want to make my mum proud and speak out when something is wrong – she taught me that. She taught me that when something is wrong we must say something, she didn’t practice what she preached to me in terms of her putting up with certain people but she taught me to be fearless and say enough is enough because she wanted more for me just like I will want more for my children and family one day. One last Thank you to my cousin Tim who my mum loved very much – so much she chose him to be my god father, thank you for being a brilliant god father when I was a kid and thank you for your kindness recently too, may mum and Aunty Janet be up there drinking, smoking and having a ball with Nana too and of course being reunited with some beloved pets too.
I love you Mum
“Whenever I get gloomy with the state of the world, I think about the arrivals gate at Heathrow Airport…”- Hugh Grant (Love Actually, 2003).